metro mama

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Hot and Stymied

A couple of nights ago, McHotty and I were getting it on. We’d greased the wheels, and were about to get in gear. McHotty, naked, runs to my dresser drawer to grab a condom:

Drawer opened, scramble, scramble, drawer closed. Flummoxed pause.

I don’t like the sound of that.

“Maybe the condoms are in your drawer,” I offer, hopefully.

Open, scramble, sigh, close. “Shit.”

“Did you look under the bed?” I ask, testily.

McHotty sticks his head under the bed.

“No! Just an empty wrapper. And a lot of books.”

Hmmm. What books! I must clean under the bed, I think.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” I say.

“Um, no.” McHotty, plaintively.

Naked, I leap into action and scour dresser drawers. I reach under the bed. I even look under the mattress. Nada. I do a quick calculation what day of my cycle it is…day 9…-ish…I think.

“Fuck it. Go grab a handful of kleenex.”



Anonymous ali said...

i found your condoms over at BEth's site:


(see this is why i love my iud!!)

9:29 AM  
Blogger petite gourmand said...

spring is definitely in the air!

9:38 AM  
Blogger kgirl said...

hey, you know what they call women who use the rhythm method, right?


;) have fun, slutbag.

10:14 AM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Day nine! You're brave, chicka.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Hahahaha!! Good stuff.

11:23 AM  
Blogger jen said...

and thus the almost story of cakes part two....

2:01 PM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

You do realize this is how I became the MOTHER to three...(and I'm not even going to tell you how many times I conceived only to later miscarry...)

This is the reason we started buying in BULK at the friendly neighbourhood Costco...

Now we just revel in his Big V.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Gabriella said...

Hmmm..I'd remember the date if I were you ;)

2:12 PM  
Anonymous s@m said...


Yes, I am very happy to have my IUD.

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Heh. I bet I know what you stocked up on the next time you hit the store... ;-)

3:28 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

nancy: mchotty ran out and bought a couple dozen the very next day!

3:34 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

My comment got eaten, I think. Although if one comes up under 'my stream', that was me using a different Google account. This Google/Blogger hookup confuses me.

Anyway...yeah, I was just sayin' that maybe you should remember that date on your calendar, in case, maybe nine months or so down the road, you need to refer to it...

3:48 PM  
Blogger Tania (urbanmommy is so 2006) said...

Very brave. Kgirl has it right.

5:01 PM  
Anonymous sugaredharpy said...

Oh god, been there, done that!! MOSTLY, I've been fine. Except that one time. And we call him Brett now.

Good luck to you, man.

5:31 PM  
Blogger myredwagon said...

too funny.....

6:57 PM  
Blogger Ms. Porter said...

Can't say it any better than Kgirl.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Ms. Porter said...

Can't say it any better than Kgirl.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Ms. Porter said...

Can't say it any better than Kgirl.

7:58 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

we pull out at the last second...

I think they call it a sort of russian roulette.

nasty metro mama. what kind of a mother are you anyway....

10:24 PM  
Blogger s@bd said...

you can make a condom out of kleenex ...?

wow. I'm calling you mcgyver mom from now on.

10:28 PM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

Living on the edge. I like it!

10:41 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

That's pretty balls-y. Maybe there will be a new blog baby in time for Christmas? ;)

10:45 PM  
Anonymous nutmeg said...

What a hook! I just found your blog for the first time. Now I'll be checking back regularly for the bump announcement!

9:59 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

omg... how did it take me so long to find your blog?!


11:30 AM  
Blogger Undercover Angel said...

LOL! A lot of babies are made that way...

11:36 AM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

I would be so mad at my husband.
I do believe we had a close call one time but one was recovered from the back of the sock drawer.
You are brave.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

WE can thank that VERY THING for The Boy. And we are thankful for him, so it all worked out just fine.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Desperate times, desperate measures, eh?

6:55 PM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Been there, done that, more times than I'd like to admit. If you're in a good mood, it can be creative fodder, I suppose.

And kgirl's comment made me laugh out loud.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Denguy said...

I'm with s@bd--how do you make a condom out of Kleenex?
Wouldn't it become all mushy rather quickly?

9:38 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

That's funny!!

My line during those times was - "don't worry, ain't nuthin' going to happen sexy woman - trust me!"

Then our daughter showed up...

2:51 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

You are so funny.

And brave.


6:29 AM  
Blogger kristen said...

I prefer old towels and socks.


12:31 PM  
Blogger domestika said...

Ooh, now, that's the kind of thing that can come back to bite you in the belly! What, no Syran Wrap in the kitchen?

8:35 PM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

Oh, I hate when that happens!

9:32 PM  
Blogger jer said...

Hmmm, this narrative sounds familiar...

That was a fun read!

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What do you think ? Do I look hot ?

You can find my pics here

[url=]My Profile[/url]

5:24 AM  

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