metro mama

Monday, August 28, 2006

Muffin Top Covers - The Best Invention EVER!

I haven’t bought new clothing in a long time. I went on the scale last night and, to my delight, discovered I now weigh what I did when I met Big Papa six years ago. Who needs a gym when you have a 26-pound baby and a three-story house? Plus, all of Papa’s fish and veggies have helped too. Before I met him, I ate pasta five nights a week.

Having hardly any pants that fit properly, this morning I decided to head to the mall for new jeans. Catherine looked so hot in her skinny jeans Saturday night, I was inspired to give them a try. I went to Jean Machine, grabbed three pairs and headed for the change-room. It was the worst kind of jean-shopping scenario--mirrors on the outside of the stall and a male salesperson. It’s bad enough to have to scrutinize your own ass from every angle in front of the whole store without having some guy watching you do it.

I was composing this post in my head on the streetcar on my way to the mall. This is the part where I thought I’d laugh at myself about how shitty the jeans looked, and describe how I fled the store in horror, empty-handed. But, I can’t! The jeans actually looked pretty good. I’d better mark this occasion on the calendar.

The third pair I tried was a winner. After close examination, I was happy with the way my ass looked, but frowning at my bulging midriff.

“Do you have anything higher cut?” I asked the dude.

“No, that’s the style.” he replied, patiently.

He looked at my dimpled flesh thoughtfully, disappeared for a moment, and returned with a stretchy black tube of fabric.

“Do you know what this is?” he asked.

“No.” WTF?

“You wear it over you jeans instead of a belt, then put your t-shirt over it, so you get the layered tee look. And, um, it hides your tummy.”

“A muffin top cover!” I exclaim. “Let me try it!”

I snatch the thing, go back in my stall and try it on. Holy fuck! This is the best invention ever. It holds in the blubber, and now I will be able to sit on a bar stool without everyone behind me getting an eyeful of white, dimply back fat. I look like I’m wearing layered tees, and I can’t actually wear layered tees because I’m so damned hot all the time ever since I had a baby.

“Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!” I exclaim to the dude, hugging and kissing him. (OK, this is an exaggeration—but only slightly).

“You’re welcome,” he replies, looking embarrassed but pleased.

I am one happy mama. Now, if only I knew what shoes one wears with skinny jeans.

***

I didn’t watch the Emmys last night, even though it was on the one channel we can get with our antenna. I limit myself to one award show per year and this year I spent 6 hours watching the Oscars like I always do. The Oscars are so boring. You have to find ways to liven things up--my friend Christine and I swilled a bottle of champagne, ate a whole gourmet pizza, and made fun of everyone’s gowns. Anyway, back to Emmys—-I’m pissed that Dennis Leary did not win. That’s fucked up. And I’m not just saying that because of my firefighter fetish either. Don't you think?

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18 Comments:

Blogger penelopeto said...

the emmys were boring and nobody wore a particularly stunning dress, tho chris did drool gobs over evangeline lily.
and i'm going to stop doing yoga and get me a muffin-top cozy. seriously. like, tomorrow.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

yuh huh
you email me this breaking news girl
EMAIL
do all the jean machines have said muffin cover?
I just bought spanx and they are so not working for me
are the jeans skinny
WHICH JEANS???
HELLOOOO I only went on about this for hours on saturday.
I am going tomorrow

9:33 PM  
Blogger tomama said...

Boots - low heeled riding ones or those little ankle ones with heels. That's the skinny on skinny jeans.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

ps
either flats with the legs all scrunched up a la mischa barton or killer heels like Catherine had.
I got a wicked pair that are actually comfortable at Town Shoes. They were in Flare in red but are all sold out. All the black ones were shipped to St Clair from the eaton centre sales boy told me

9:51 PM  
Blogger Mother Bumper said...

I'm getting one pronto! I love my ol' skinny jeans but the shape has changed so much post-bumper that I need girdling of some sort. Thank you for telling me about this! AHHHH!

And oh yeah, I'm not surprized you had fun jean shopping, you look great.

10:45 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

you might try them with ridiculous pointy pumps in a colour that goes with nothing else you are wearing, like fuschia or turquoise. Seriously.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Pattie said...

First of all, where did you get one of those?
Secondly, champagne and gourmet pizza? You are my kindred spirit. :)

7:10 AM  
Blogger petite gourmand said...

sign me up for the muffin-tube-top thingy..
I'll definitely be picking up a few of those.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Mamalooper said...

Me too, me too - I want the muffin-top-cozy!!!!

Ahhhh, the muffin top. Tried spanx too and it works well but not well enough. Being on the shorter-than-average side, if I wear the spanx with a skirt, it'd better be on the long side or the spanx peaks out the bottom.

Been debating the skinny jeans. Catherine looked sooo good in them on Sat. night. Being a head shorter might be a problem.

Stilletos or platforms heels work well with the jeans too.

11:51 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

I got the muffin cozies at the Jean Machine in the Eaton Centre. They are next to the cash register and they have all kinds of colours.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

I SO NEED ONE OF THOSE. Jean Machine...here I come.

2:19 PM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

What time is the Eaton's Centre open? I am going there right after my volunteer meeting tonight. And I am not kiddding.

They should give you commission.

Oh and I second Kittenpie's shoe reco :)

2:38 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

What a cool invention. I will have to tell the neighborhood chicks when I get together with them next. There will be much oooh-ing and ahhh-ing.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Whoa! Wait a minute, where do I find one of those muffin top cover thingies?! I NEED one. Badly.

4:15 PM  
Blogger hautemama said...

muffintop LMFAO.

9:29 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Oh you are such a good shopping girl, see? we are all doing it, shopping for the skinny jean even tho they are buttass horrible. I am going to get me a muffin leash tomorrow!

10:37 PM  
Anonymous Christine said...

I believe that you're supposed to wear ballet flats with your skinny jeans; that's what Kate Moss does, and every woman in London slavishly imitates her (being a cokehead doesn't impair your fashion sense, apparently). If you must wear a heel, make it a wedge. Or, if you're a true fashion victim, supposedly the newest thing for fall is "winter sandals" - slightly sturdier than summer sandals, and designed to be worn with socks (seriously, I don't know what sort of maniacs come up with this stuff...)

I'd like to get one of those stretchy belt thingys... preferably one that starts at my shoulders and goes down to my feet! I don't think I've seen any here. Perhaps you could start a mail order business?

5:25 AM  
Blogger lynsalyns said...

OMG where can I GET ONE???

10:26 PM  

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