Nothing Will Come of Nothing
Recent events have been preying on my mind, as has Bub and Pie’s post today. Like Gabrielle, before I became a mother I viewed the world with a certain amount of clinical detachment. I could read about horrific events without really being affected personally. I can’t do it anymore.
I’ve long considered myself an agnostic. I’ve always been a doubtful, questioning person, but I was prepared to consider the possibility of some kind of order in the universe. I envied those who had religious convictions, though I didn’t (and still don’t) understand where they get their faith. Since I’ve become a mother, I’ve become increasingly cynical; I've resisted admitting it, to myself and others, but atheism is now a more correct description of my beliefs.
The things I used to be able to read about, I just can’t bear anymore: the insane number of pedophiles in our midst, the steadily increasing number of dead Canadian soldiers; the latest school shooting. One of the members of the Amish community where the massacre took place was quoted as saying God had a reason for it happening; God will provide for them; blah, blah, blah. I honestly can’t understand this way of thinking. What possible fucking reason can there be for a father of five to shoot 6-year-old girls, execution-style. How did God provide for them, or their parents?
I wish I didn’t feel this way. I have no idea how I’m going to talk about this to my daughter when the time comes. I don’t want to impose my feelings on her, but I don’t want to be a hypocrite either.
I wish I had the comfort those who have faith seem to have. It is frightening to believe there is absolutely no justice in the world. I guess all I can do is keep on doing what I’ve been trying to do all along: live for the moment, tell my baby I love her every day, and try not to waste a single moment, because I know that everything I love can be taken away from me in a heartbeat--for no reason at all.