The End is Nigh
Thanks for your kind words and offers of frocks. You guys always make me feel better.
Last week just got better and better. The pain I originally attributed to heartburn got quite intense by the weekend, with no relief from antacids. It was on the left-hand side of my chest, I was short of breath, and feeling generally unwell. Now, I’ve never been the hypochondriac type, but since I had Cakes I have this intense awareness of my own mortality. In my younger, wilder days, I was absolutely fearless. I did so many reckless things, I can’t even tell you, and the thought of getting hurt or dying never, ever crossed my mind. Now I think about it rather disturbingly often. And when you’re an atheist, it’s a little disconcerting to think you could kick it at any moment. So, I really do try hard to live in the moment. I tell Cakes and McHotty I love them every day. My affairs are always in order, and Cakes always has lots of underwear stocked up. Is that weird?
Anyway, my point is, Sunday I actually thought I might be having a heart attack. My Wed MD research suggested as much, and I know from my dad’s recent experience how important it is to act quickly, so I went to emerg. I feel sheepish now, but the gal at intake said she would have done the same thing. Long story short, I spent six hours on a beautiful sunny Sunday sitting in the hell on earth that is an emergency room. In my own defense, the triage nurse did think it warranted checking out. And once they ruled out a heart attack, they thought it could be a blood clot, which involved a couple more hours to wait for tests, and a trip back for an ultrasound the next day. Turns out, it’s probably just a form of pleurisy, an inflammation of the lining of the lung, probably caused from the cold I picked up last week. It goes away on its own. And I wasted the beautiful sunny Sunday I had planned to spend gardening with Cakes to find that out.
Has anyone else become unusually preoccupied with death since they became a parent? Is it just a matter of driving a little more carefully, or full on pessimism like me? Anyone?