Moveable Feast

We took the Chunnel to Paris early Saturday morning. It’s so fast and easy. I’m envious of Europeans who, with the Chunnel and the cheap flights, can so easily travel Europe, even just for a weekend.

We were a little weary from our busy schedule in England so we resolved to take Paris more slowly, and we did. It’s less about seeing the sites, and more about just soaking it all in anyway, I think.

After we checked into our hotel (in the 7th, near the Eiffel tower) our first mission was to plant ourselves at a café. And there I found heaven. A café in Paris is my happy place. All the seats facing out for optimal people watching. Not a cell phone, laptop, iPod or blackberry in sight. Heaven. The cheapest thing on the menu is wine, so what’s a girl to do? We had a half-litre with our lunch.

After that, we were a little sleepy. We strolled over to the Eiffel tower. It was a glorious day and everyone was lounging around the park directly below it. We joined them and had a nap.

We spent the afternoon exploring the neighbourhood, then after a shower we took the Metro to Montparnasse, former stomping grounds of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Callahan, among other greats. I love this neighbourhood. Lively and vibrant and tons of great places to eat it seemed. We stopped for a drink at La Rotonde, a café Hemingway and Picasso used to frequent. Then we strolled around looking for a place to eat. We had resolved during our time in Paris not to eat dinner at any restaurant with an English menu. We found a small bistro on a side street that was full of Parisians. There I tasted my first steak frites in Paris. Heaven, I tell you. The meal, plus a nice bottle of red and chocolate soufflé for dessert, and I was a very happy woman indeed.

Sunday morning we allowed ourselves to sleep in (what a luxury). We started the day with the hotel’s breakfast, an awesome buffet of fresh baguette, croissants, Danish, café au lait (my god the coffee’s good in Paris) as well as a bunch of healthy food, which we ignored. Then we took the Metro to the Latin Quarter. We explored for awhile, then crossed the Seine at Notre Dame. Notre Dame is absolutely stunning. Pictures don’t do it justice. It is the thing that exceeded my expectations most on this trip, I think. Next we took a Seine cruise. It was glorious. I soaked up the sun and took in the sights. After that, we walked to the Louvre and, amazingly, there were no lines, so we went in. The Louvre was probably the most disappointing thing on the trip, but I expected that. I like the art at the D’Orsay much more. The huge museums stress me out.



After a short spell at the Louvre, we strolled through the Jardin des Tuileries, which was stunning. We stopped for the most expensive Coke (as in Cola) ever, at 7 euros each! No wonder they drink so much wine. Fortified, we promenaded up the Champs-Elysee to the Arc de Triomphe. What a spectacle. By then our feet were tired, so we took the Metro home for some sex, shower and sleep. Later we ventured out into our neighbourhood to find a restaurant. We found a small Mediterranean place nearby and had another great bottle of wine with a lamb and couscous dish that was fabulous. After dinner, we went back to the Eiffel tower to see it at night. What a spectacular sight! This is the second thing that really surpassed my expectations. The tower is very beautiful at night (we found out later that every night, for about twenty minutes, all of the lights start twinkling and it is a very gaudy sight. I’m so glad we missed that). There were still crazy lines to go up the tower (we had resolved to wait in no lines), so instead I tried to talk our way into the fancy restaurant for a nightcap. No dice. You don’t go up unless you’re buying the 100 euro entree. Instead, we went back to our favourite local café for some more wine and chatted with Americans. It was a full and splendid day.



This is getting long, so I’ll save the rest for another post. By the way, sorry for so much detail, but I’m recording this for my own sake more than yours.

To find out what Cakes thought of all this, check out Mommy Blogs Toronto.

Eager Delight

When I left off, we were on our way to Chipping Campden, Cotswolds.

Chipping Campden is a charming little town, full of centuries old, honey-coloured stone buildings with thatch roofs. The town is surrounded by lush, grassy hills, with lambs cavorting practically in folks’ backyards (I resolved never to eat lamb again, but I broke down in Paris).





We strolled around the town, but there is not much to do there, so we had tea and were ready to go. Unfortunately, the bus we’d planned to take didn’t show up (not an uncommon occurrence I learned). We had tickets for a 7:00 play in Stratford, and by the time we got back, we just had time for a quickie and a fast shower, and no time for dinner. We were tired and hungry by then and (briefly!) considered skipping the play (it was three hours) but I’m SO glad we didn’t.

The play was breathtaking. It was Chekhov's The Seagull, performed by the Royal Shakespeare Company. I’ve never seen or read anything by Chekhov, so I had no idea what to expect, but it blew me away. I’m no expert but the acting was some of the best I’ve ever seen. McHotty agreed, it was completely riveting and powerful.

After the show we were starving and headed for the pub. If it weren’t for the RSC, Stratford would be one lame ass town. We couldn’t find anyone serving food at 10 pm. Even the facking Pizza Hut was closed. Right about the time we were wondering where the hell the actors eat, we happened upon a bustling Indian place called the Thesbian’s Restaurant. The food was fantastic, and we loved the beer, an Indian brand called Cobra (beer goes so well with curry, doesn’t it!)

The next morning we were up very early to take our trains (yes, plural) to Bath. I was nervous about this part of the trip. We had to make two connections and the trains in England have a reputation for being late and unreliable. Well, either that’s not true or we were lucky, because we actually arrived in Bath early.

Bath is stunning. If I had it to do over I’d have given us more time there. The entire town is a UNESCO World Heritage site. Like Chipping Campden, all of the buildings are made with the same stone (it starts white and mellows to a lovely honey colour). I ran out of batteries here so unfortunately I got few pics of Bath. But I did manage a couple at the Jane Austen museum. I was in heaven there. As I sat in the Regency tearoom, eating my Mr. Darcy tea, I was like a schoolgirl. McHotty was initially not too enthused about the whole tea thing, but he loved it. I never knew scones were so yummy. I’d only ever had them in Canada and I thought they were dry and gross. The museum itself isn’t the greatest-I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know. But the shop is wonderful, especially the books. I bought a beautifully illustrated companion to Pride and Prejudice for Cakes (speaking of which, did I mention I also bought her a pop-up book from the Globe Theatre) as well as a couple of books about Austen for me. I could have gone on, but I exercised some restraint.






Next we visited the Roman Baths, which were pretty spectacular. The water was so warm, I wanted to jump right in. We took a double-decker bus tour around the city and admired the architecture and gardens (Bath wins awards for its gardens). Of course, we finished the day with a pint and some people watching. What a fab place.

Coming next: Paris!

Final English Pub tally: 25

So Tired

* Update: Pics being added to posts below.

Sorry for disappearing on you. The rest of the trip was wonderful and I'll tell you all about it in a day or two when I know my own name.

Yesterday, McH and I boarded our plane at 6 PM (Paris time) to return home and commented how fantastic our vacation luck was this time. Usually it's very bad. For instance, we got food poisoning on our honeymoon. This trip was perfection. Until we tried to go home.

We started heading towards the runway then we stopped and the captain came on. Bad sign. Engine trouble. After sitting on the plane for an hour, they took us back to the terminal. This is Charles de Gaulle terminal 3, which is practically a barn (there is nothing there - one cafe, that's it). They had given us vouchers for a sandwich but we discovered the cafe folks would give us beer for them. We got a table with this fun couple who had just backpacked around Thailand, Amsterdam, Greece, London and Paris for three months. We made the best of a bad situation and seven hours later, we were back on the plane.

Six more hours later (still no sleep, despite beer buzz and free wine they plied us with in apology) we arrive for our stop in Montreal at 2 AM (9 AM Paris time) to learn we're not allowed to continue on to Toronto. Fuck. Me. So they decide to send us to a hotel. This was such a joke. It started out somewhat organized. There was a queue, until somebody spotted the first shuttle. Then, free for all. My Amazing Race viewing paid off. "Stay with me!" I shout to McH. I dash out a side door and sprint for the shuttle. We make the first one. Upon arrival at the hotel I sprint to the desk for check-in. Finally, by 4:30 Montreal time (11:30 AM Paris time) we hit the sheets. We had to be back at the airport by 11:00 today and finally made it home to Toronto at 3:30. I don't know what the fuck day it is anymore.

The good news is Cakes is wonderful. She squealed in delight when she saw us. She had a super time with her grandparents. I'll write more when I can see straight.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

No question.

We're in Stratford and I have half an hour before I meet McH to catch a bus for Chipping Campden, a small village in the Cotswolds. We're going to have lunch there, and walk arm and arm through the country, like Jane and Cassandra would have done.

Stratford is charming, though rather touristy. Our timing is perfect though, there aren't many tourists here yet. Last night we took a twilight river tour on a barge and we were the only ones. This morning I was all about the Bard. I visited Anne Hathaway's house--it was lovely. I learned where the expression, "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" comes from. Back then, they bathed once a year. Father would go first, and all the scum and lice would float to the top. Then mother, then the children (many) with the baby going last. The water would be so filthy by then, you could barely see the babe. Cakes, you have it good.





I also visited Shakespeare's birthplace and the museum. It was a little under-whelming. Last night we visited his grave, at Holy Trinity church.

We had another killer meal last night. We found a lovely restuarant with fresh fish--I had a platter with seabass, dorade, and trout. We had a wonderful Portuguese wine (Quinta Da Muta 2006) with it. We're finding the house wines are cheap and fabulous here.

Our bus ride from London to Stratford was very scenic. There was a traffic jam on the main highway, so we took a meandering route that was lovely. The fields are so lushly green, and there are whole fields filled with yellow flowers (rapeseed or canola).





Tonight we see a Royal Shakespeare Company play (The Seagull--they're doing Lear this summer but not right now). Spamalot was a blast. The musical numbers were fab and all my favourite bits were there--the killer bunny, the black knight, the french guards.

That reminds me--just before we left, Cakes said her first sentence (in front of her grandparents too). It was--wait for it--"I fart". Now, I just need to train her to say, "I fart in your general direction."

Pub tally: 23

Feeling Like a Million Pounds

We have a little downtime before the show starts, so I'll give another quick update--this might be my last chance for a couple days, since we're off to the country.

We had another great day. We started out walking in The City. Then, we went back to the Operating Theatre (I'm fascinated with this place) and went inside this time. It was pretty freaky, especially the obstetrics exhibit. I took some pics of the scary tools, as well as a two-foot long tapeworm.





Next, we strolled along the Thames to the Tate Modern, stopping for a pint on the way. The Tate is a very cool building, and the Turbine Hall is something to see. Unfotunately they were dismantling the exhibit of giant slides (you used to be able to slide down them). We saw some more great art--I was really taken with the sculpture of Louise Bourgeois as well as a short film by Steve McQueen called Drumroll(1998). He attached three cameras to an oil drum and rolled it through the streets of Manhattan. Very cool.



Next, we walked to Trafalgar Square where we lounged and people-watched for a while. I love it there.

We're eating like kings. Last night we had an excellent meal at a gastro pub in Hamstead. Christine made us a huge bacon and eggs breakfast this morning, and tonight we had superb dim sum in Chinatown.



In about ten minutes, McH will be back and we have just enough time for a pre-show cocktail. It's great, we're walking so much I don't need to mind the calories. (I'm really picking up the language here. I no longer watch my weight, I mind it. I'm not wearing sneakers, but trainers. Fries are chips, and chips are crisps. I don't go for a beer, but rather a pint (the odd time just a half). Speaking of which...

Pub tally: 21

My Cup Runneth Over

There's just so much of everything here: so much history, so many museums, pubs, entertainers, parks, monuments. I feel like I'm at a buffet with all of my favourite foods and I'm trying to squeeze as many items on my plate as I can. My plate is getting heavy, but I'm not yet full. I'm puking it out here so I can go back and gorge some more.

Yesterday we went to the East End. We went to Spitalfields market, and I just about lost my mind. There were endless artisans selling the most beautiful jewellry and clothing, for amazing prices. I bought myself a goreous skirt--girly-girl meets rock 'n' roll for only £10. What didn't impress me was the fact that I wear size XL here. WTF? After that, we went to Brick Lane, where we bought tees for £1. Then, we hopped over to Bloomsbury where I looked (unsuccessfully) for Virgina Woolf's house. We rested in a lovely park (I can't get over how spotless the parks are here) then we tackled the British Museum. The building itself is something to see, I'm so glad we went. We checked out the mummies and the Rosetta Stone. Then, home for a quick change then we headed out to a cabaret. It was a new experience, but not exactly McHotty's cup of tea. We ducked out early and lucked upon a fabulous blues band at the Ain't Nothing But the Blues Bar. Sweet.




Today we split up again. I headed straight to the National Gallery, which I loved. It was not nearly as overwhelming as I expected. I particularly loved seeing The Umbrellas and At the Theatre. Then I zipped down to the V&A which was really overwhelming. I kept going in circles. Finally I spent some time looking at Cast Courts--reproductions of important pieces of sculpture and architecture (including Michelangelo). After that, I needed a break from museums, so I went back to Covent Garden. What a lively, fun place to spend a sunny afternoon. I had fish & chips at a pub, then bought a cup of tea and hung out watching buskers for an hour or so. They have the best buskers there--from opera singers, to classical ensembles, to a juggler on an eight-foot unicycle, they were all fabulous.




McH and I are hooking up soon, and I think we're going to go back to the Spaniards tonight for dinner and a pint and have an early night. Tomorrow we're going loosey goosey--we're going to start out in The City and just wander wherever we please. Tomorrow night we're going to see Spamelot, then Wednesday we're off to Stratford-Upon Avon for a couple of nights, then a day in Bath (you know I wouldn't come to England without going to Bath). We're back here for Friday night, then heading to Paris for the rest of the trip.

Ta ta for now!

Pub tally: 19

Ode to Hamstead

We're having so much fun on this trip. There are record breaking temps right now and everyone is out and about enjoying it. Last night we caught a comedy show on a boat on the Thames. The comics were hilarious, and what a lovely setting. We hit a pub in Soho on the way home, then passed out from exhaustion.

Today we were up and at it early---we headed to Camden Market, which I just adored. The place goes on and on, it's a maze of shops and stalls--a smorgasbord of handicrafts, clothing, accessories, furniture, you name it. Also lots of cool goth stuff. We bought lots of souvenirs--a handpainted still from Kill Bill, a plaque of a pub sign, earrings for me, a Sid Vicious tee for Cakes. The variety of food vendors was incredible too. We had some excellent Indian food for lunch.






We spent the afternoon lolling about Hamstead Heath--a gorgeous, gorgeous park, twice the size of High Park (800 acres). Afterwards, we had dinner and strawberry beer at my favourite pub so far, The Spaniards Inn in Hamstead. Playing fields of the Highwaymen. Byron drank there. Keats supposedly wrote Ode to a Nightingale there. It was a huge, beautiful beer garden.





After that, we grabbed Belgium chocolate crepes, then went on another London Walk, in Hamstead. What a stunning place (and over the years, home to many celebrated figures, and many writers. Keats Museum is here (I still haven't made it to any museums though, the weather's too nice to be indoors). We saw the home where Sid Vicious lived and wrote God Save the Queen. Of course, we patronized a few more pubs.

Now, it's time for a tea and biscuits, and off to bed.

Pub tally: 14

I Just Can't Stop Blogging

Who'd have thunk I'd blog more often on holiday? I've been walking for the past 6 hours, and I can't walk another step so I might as well blog.

We loved the London Walk last night. I highly recommend them--we hope to do another one or two while we're here. We went pubbing in the Southwark area, which is my favourite part of London so far. We went to the Borough Market, where Guy Ritchie's films (Snatch, Lock Stock) are filmed, as well as the location of Bridget Jones' flat. We had a great guide, cute and smart and full of interesting history. For instance, we went past the Operating Theatre where they used to perform amputations (without anesthetic!). He told us about the shortest amputation in history-in 29 seconds, the surgeon cut off the patients' leg, as well as three fingers of the attending and the right testicle of a bystander (all three victims died).




The pubs were very cool--they were ones we probably would never have found on our own. I love the laid-back culture here. By 5:00, the pubs are overflowing into the street, with people smoking and enjoying pints outside. Lovely.

Today we got up early and went to the Tower of London. It was really interesting. We had a guided tour with a beefeater and had another history lesson about the executions of Henry the 8th's wives. We saw the crown jewels and the biggest diamond in the world. This afternoon McHotty went to the HMS Belfast and I went to the Globe Theatre. I loved it--it's very well done. I'm so disappointed I can't see a play there (they don't start until May). Amazingly, it took almost 50 years to get it built. I'll post pics when I get home.







When I'm done here, I'm off to get some flowers and wine for our host, then an early dinner before we go out again tonight. We're so lucky to have a friend to stay with. It's so expensive here, especially eating out. Luckily though, the beer is cheap. Good thing--it's customary here to always buy rounds (it's very rude to just buy a drink for yourself). It will be interesting to see how this works tonight when we're out with a large group. I better stick to half pints.

Pub tally to date: 8

Lovin' London

Hi friends! I'm dashing off a very quick post before McHotty catches me, so please excuse the typos.

London is wonderful so far. We arrived yesterday, very jetlagged, so we stayed moving and drinking to keep up the adrenaline. We walked miles and miles - from Green Park, past the Houses of Parl, Westminster, The South Bank, Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden, The Strand. Chris took us on a cool pub crawl. I can't remember the names of any of them but we went to a 400 year-pub where Yeats used to meet up with other writers as well as one that the owner is rumored to have killed people and sent their remains to a nearby bakery where they were baked into pies.






Today the weather is sunny and warm. We took a Thames cruise to Grenwich (McH is doing the military museum while I eat Ben & Jerry's and blog). Tonight we're doing a London Walks pub crawl in the City, followed by a late dinner. Tomorrow night, a comedy show on a boat on the Thames. I think we'll do the Tower of London tomorrow if the weather stays so nice. We're saving the museums for the rainy days (if we have any!)




Anywhoo, having a blast. Missing Cakes terribly, but I'm getting good reports on her well-being from my mother-in-law. It's hardest when I see little ones enjoying their travels. It's easiest when I see folks struggling with strollers on the Tube. The tube rocks, but it's not made for strollers.

I had a bit of a baby fix - there was a woman travelling alone with a 9-month at Gatwick. She was going out of her mind, so I held the babe while she found a porter.

All in all, we're having a blast! More reports to come, soonest.

Oh, and I'll start a pub tally.

Pub tally to date: 4

Europe Bound

Well friends, we’re off to London and Paris for the next two weeks. McHotty threatened divorce if I took the laptop, so you won’t see me around for a little while (though I’ll try to sneak in a few posts when he’s off looking at ships or some other boring shit).

I’ll come back with lots of pictures, and hopefully lots to write about.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this:

But I’m more interesting than the Eiffel Tower!

Adieu!

***

Oh, and head over to Mommy Blogs Toronto and tell me how your vacation without baby went. I hope you make me feel better, not worse!

Metro Reco: Grindhouse

Grindhouse is Robert Rodriguez (Sin City) and Quentin Tarantino’s double-header homage to the genre the film’s named after. It’s Mad Max meets Night of the Living Dead—and it’s a gruesome, gory good time (but not for the faint of heart!)

In Planet Terror, Rodriguez’ feature, a one-legged Go-Go dancer fights off bloodthirsty zombies. The raunchy rock ‘n’ roll soundtrack mixes nicely with the over-the-top blood, guts and pus (yes, pus!). In Tarantino’s flick, Death Proof, a sicko stuntman finally meets his match when he fucks with the wrong women. It’s what I expect from Tarantino: playful banter, sexy feet and tough hot chicks. The wicked CGI-free car chase had my heart thumping in delight.

The cast, including Freddy Rodriguez and Kurt Russell, is superb, but it’s the women who steal the show, especially Rose McGowan and Zoe Bell (Uma Thurman’s stunt double in Kill Bill).

If you’re looking for thrills and chills and aren’t the sensitive sort, this one’s for you. It’s a blast.

Roundup

I haven’t been excited enough to write much about the last few books I’ve read (except Lullabies for Little Criminals—LOVED it. Review coming soon). But here are some quick thoughts:


The End of the Alphabet

On his fiftieth birthday, Ambrose Zephyr is given a month to live. He and his wife, Zipper, embark on a trip around the world to all the places Ambrose wants to see, from A to Z.

This was a short, sweet little read, that’s beautifully packaged.


Helpless

Barbara Gowdy’s latest is well-written and provocative. The story, about the abduction of a young girl, is told from various perspectives: Rachel, the 9-year-old victim; Rachel’s single mother, Celia; Nancy, the abductor’s girlfriend; Ron, the child abductor. I really didn’t enjoy the novel—I was uncomfortable with Gowdy’s empathy towards Ron. And I found the conclusion a little unbelievable.

Have any of you read it? What did you think?


The End of East

The End of East is Jen Sookfong Lee’s first novel. Set in Vancouver’s Chinatown, Sammy Chan returns home from Montreal to care for her aging mother. There she pieces together her family’s history in Canada, going back to her grandfather, Seid Quan, the first to emigrate to Canada.

This is an interesting multi-generational immigration tale, particularly the story of Sammy’s mother, battling post-partum depression while living in a strange country with a domineering mother-in-law. The prose is often powerful, but I felt most of the characters weren’t very well developed, especially Sammy’s. Overall, I was disappointed.

***

As for what I’m watching, we saw Babel this week (it took us two nights to watch it, it’s so frickin’ long). I’m kind of ambivalent about it. It was well-acted. I liked the individual stories—they were compelling and fairly well-paced. But the sum isn’t as good as the parts—it didn’t really come together for me. I think he’s saying something about how we’re all connected and we all make bad decision that have far-reaching consequences, blah, blah, blah. But it just seemed banal. The director, Alejandro González Iñárritu, is also behind 21 Grams, which I think was a far better film.

What did you guys think of Babel?

***

I saw the stage production of Edward Scissorhands. I really enjoyed it. One of our new Mommy Blogs Toronto contributors, Mama Drama, has written an excellent review of the show, here.

I made the most wonderful discovery at the show. Did you know you can order your intermission drinks in advance?! This is the best thing ever. You no longer have to choose between peeing and drinking. You order and pay before the show starts. Then, at intermission, you can make a beeline for the bathroom, and when you’re done, your drink is there waiting for you. That rocks.

***

Last night we watched Stranger Than Fiction. Loved it. Very clever.

I really want to get out to see Grindhouse this weekend, but I'm so pressed for time. Has anyone seen it yet?

March ROFL Awards

It's that time again people. And what better way to spend a long weekend than to read the funniest posts of the month.

You can also find the awards over at Mrs. Chicky's place. Special thanks to Izzy for the festive button.

Enjoy!

Bub and Pie awarded World of One Thousand Different things

The Kids are Alright awarded Mama Tulip

Fenicle awarded Mostly True Stories

Sunshine Scribe awarded Mom 101

Child is Born awarded Suburban Turmoil

I Obsess awarded Sweatpants Mom

Motherhood Uncensored awarded The New Girl

Oh, The Joys awarded Dancing Through

Cheaper than Therapy awarded Oh, The Joys

Chicky Chicky Baby awarded Mad Hatter

Metro Reco: Mean Boy

I stumbled upon Lynn Coady’s Mean Boy, a perfect read for an English major about to start grad school. I think you might like it too.

Earnest Larry Campbell is a young poet from a working class family in PEI. Larry, (or Lawrence as he prefers to be called), goes to a small university in New Brunswick to study poetry under his idol, the talented and enigmatic Jim Arsenault. To Larry’s delight and astonishment, Jim befriends him and soon he’s Jim’s confidant. Along with a cast of fawning English students, they go drinking together, debate about poetry, commit pranks, and when Jim is turned down for tenure, Larry leads a campaign to convince the school to reconsider. However, as Larry becomes aware of Jim’s neediness and insecurity, his naivety and idealism begin to erode.

Mean Boy is a satirical look at academia and writing. Professors ruthlessly attack each other’s work. Larry experiments with drugs to enhance his poetry, a la Coleridge, producing “The Ass of My Head”. Mean Boy also explores the difficulty in being objective about creative work, especially one’s own.

Lynn Coady was nominated for the 1998 Governor General’s Award for Fiction for her first novel, Strange Heaven. She received the Canadian Author’s Association/Air Canada Award for the best writer under thirty and the Dartmouth Book and Writing Award for fiction. Her second book, Play the Monster Blind, was a national bestseller and a Best Book of 2000 for The Globe and Mail; Saints of Big Harbour, also a bestseller, was a Globe and Mail Best Book in 2002. Lynn Coady lives in Edmonton.

Parenting Styles

McHotty is awesome with Cakes, but he is a little more easygoing than I am.

Case in point—he and Cakes returned from the grocery store today and we had the following conversation:

“How’d you make out, was she good?” I ask.

“Yeah, she was great!” McHotty answers.

“How the hell do you get her to sit still the whole time!” I respond, enviously.

“She doesn’t. She stands in the cart.”

Silence.

“And she eats the grapes the whole time,” McHotty adds (not noticing my ire).

“Whole grapes? Unwashed?” I ask, incredulously.

“Um. Yeah,” says McHotty, sheepishly.

Well, You Asked!

*Edited to add my interviewees below.

When the witty and outspoken Redneck Mommy asked for interviewees, I was quick to volunteer. Here goes...

Congratulations!!! You just won the lottery!! A million smackers. What is the very first thing you do?

Pee my pants. Then, send McHotty out for a bottle of bubbly and get on the phone with a travel agent before he can talk me into investing it all in something sensible.

If you could swap lives with anyone in the world for one week, who would it be?

I’d like to trade places with Margaret Atwood for a week and find out what it feels like to be an amazingly successful writer and wickedly smart. And mature.

I could also handle being Dave Grohl and getting wasted and rocking out with thousands of adoring fans.

Sex in public places. Kinky or tasteless? Any experience in this er, arena?

Kinky goodness! Experience…um let’s just say I have some (this would be a fun topic for the basement). Okay, I’ll share just one--the first night of our honeymoon, drunk on champagne, on the hotel balcony, overlooking the city of Porto.

A genie pops out of a bottle in your basement and offers you immortality. Would you take it? Why or why not?

No way. Being aware of my mortality forces me to live in the moment and cherish experiences. What makes life magical is its finitude—without that, everything would eventually become fucking boring and prosaic.

You're running late for an important meeting. You just barely make it into the elevator before the door closes behind you. God is inside the elevator. Just you and Him. What would you ask Him.

Dude, can I offer a little constructive criticism?

***

Redneck Mommy, that was fun. Thanks.

Friends, I'd love to hear some of your answers. Feel free to answer some or all in the comments.

And, if you dare, leave your email address in the comments and I'll interview you. For sure, you’re getting at least one sex question.

* Check out my interviewees:

Gabriella
s@m